Lance Armstrong Is an Ass. Always Has Been.


Lance is back on his bike. But it’s not about the bike, never has been. It’s about Lance.

On Wednesday, at the Clinton Global Initiative, he announced his plans to join Team Astana, a doping-plagued team that withdrew from 2007’s Tour de France after its race-leading rider tested positive for blood doping.

In 2008, Team Astana was barred from competing in the Tour. Questions remain about its status in 2009.

But doping is beside the point of my problems with Lance. While he very well might have used artificial means during his amazing string of seven-in-a-row Tour de France victories, I care more about the man’s character.

In his book, It’s Not About the Bike, co-authored by Sally Jenkins, Lance claimed that testicular cancer had made him a changed person. The self-described “brash” young man who “raced with no respect” was given a second chance. “There are two Lance Armstrongs, pre-cancer and post . . . In a way, the old me did die, and I was given a second life.”

The problem is that post-cancer Lance is still a self-centered jerk. A true phony. (Ms. Jenkins and Lance need to be congratulated on their fine fabrications. I’ll be sure to return the book to the fiction section of the library.)

Most athletes are. Big deal. What makes Lance different are his public proclamation to be a changed man, his recent talk about possibly running for public office, and his status as the global face of cancer – admirable work, no doubt. But work that makes his name and face ubiquitous, helping to line his pockets with cash. In 2005, he was reported to have an annual income of almost $30 million, mostly from endorsers, which include Nike, Bristol Myers Squibb, and Trek.

In 2007, he was given an ownership stake in New Sun Nutrition – an energy drink company – in exchange for becoming the public face of the company.

Nike, not Lance’s foundation, came up with the idea to sell the yellow bracelets, a genius marketing tool to help expand Brand Lance.

Another indictment of the man is his private life, which he doesn’t keep private.

The “beautiful coed,” Lisa Shiels, who was at Lance’s side through every chemo treatment got dropped. She disappears from the narrative of his book just as he meets his future wife, Kristin.

Though, she – the mother of his children – faired no better. (Thankfully, the two supposedly still do have a close relationship.)

On to Sheryl Crow, his one-time fiancee, who he broke it off with shortly after their engagement.

And I won’t even get into the current liasons – can we even keep those straight?

Lance is so wrapped up in his own greatness that he recently talked openly about running for public office in Texas – possibly in 2014, an election year for governor.

Governor Lance?

But, rest assured World, Lance has his eyes on you too. He is not making this comeback for himself; rather, for cancer. To Spread Awareness Throughout the Globe.

Guess what Lance? Cancer is not the most pressing issue in Africa and Asia – terra incognito for Lance and his products. Try AIDS or malaria. Poverty or development. War or repressive governments. Genocide!

Ask your friend Bono.

In the end, Lance is a simple slave to money and fame. No different than most athletes and public figures. Except, he is blatantly profiting from his cancer experience.

Will he ride cancer all the way to the governor’s mansion?


One Response to “Lance Armstrong Is an Ass. Always Has Been.”

  1. 1 Lil' Liz

    Mainstream is seeing him more and more for who he is.
    Mr. Armstrong is hiding behind cancer which ironically, has been his savior.
    Like Mark McGwire, Mr. Armstrong doesn’t want to dwell in the past but rather concentrate on the future. Why? Because he can stand up to Betsy or Frankie Andreu (his former close friend and teammate) who told the truth about his doping. Or Emma O’Reilly. Or Steve Swart. Or the rest of his teammates ( The truth is a very difficult thing to argue against when you are lying.
    Mr. Armstrong is more interested in promoting himself.
    Thank goodness the American public is onto him.

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