Guatemala Is Invading!

The pride of Guatemala, Pollo Campero, has infiltrated the Dallas.

The pride of Guatemala's 40,000th American store in Prosper, TX.

Dallas, TX – 9/14/2021 – Over the past 18 years, a once-obscure Guatemalan enterprise has risen to the status of America’s top chain restaurant.

Under the quiet stewardship of the Guatemalan government, Pollo Campero has continued to outperform its American peers, even the recently merged McDonaKing.

Long a cherished part of Americana, American fast food chains have spent the better part of the past five decades becoming central to Earthana – our numbingly dull global culture.

But while McDonaKing, Domino’s, and KFChing – among others – have successfully conquered much of the world market, they have left their home flank exposed.

Into this semi-void have stepped a number of foreign chains: Burger Bueno, Pizza Gustoso, and Chong’s Chinese.

But no foreign chain has done more than Pollo Campero. “Country Chicken” has just opened its 40,000th American store, on Victory Over Terror Tollway in Prosper, TX, a super-exurb of Dallas.

The inexplicable way a corrupt Central American government helped transform a moderately-sized fast food company into a powerhouse is astonishing. Much of the credit is going to economic advisers from Milton Friedman University in Guatemala City.

“We really understand fast food. You could say it’s in our blood,” Pollo Campero CEO Jorge Oro said. “Everybody knows we invented the Happy Meal. But that was only the beginning.”

At first, the company concentrated on the U.S’s burgeoning Latin market. But as the American economy continued to experience limited to no growth in the 2010’s and fast food increasingly became the lone option for Americans dining out, Pollo Campero officials saw their opening and expanded into other markets.

“Nobody thought it could be done at the time. Shoot, unemployment was over 10%. Things were depressing. But we knew we had something good to give Americans,” Oro said.

Of course, the rapid expansion into mainstream America could only happen with the proper backing.

After much internal debate at the beginning of the last decade, the Guatemalan government decided to financially back the chain restaurant.

“We saw that they knew what they were doing. The choice was easy,” former president Manuel Romero said.

Many American observers, however, are worried. They see the Guatemalan government as benefiting unduly from Pollo Campero’s unprecedented rise. Much has also been made about Guatemala’s recent invasion and temporary occupation of Belize. Opponents say it was American funded, with “Campero dollars.”

“We really took our eye off the homeland. This is a travesty,” Jill Pride, a foreign policy expert, said. “Not only have American fast food companies been closing at an amazing rate, Guatemala is now using its fast food wealth to terrorize and dominate Central America. Washington totally dropped the ball. If I were Mexico, I’d be shaking in my boots.”

Nevertheless, Pollo Campero’s rise remains the business success story of the century.


One Response to “Guatemala Is Invading!”

  1. I tried to warn you guys about the imminent invasion and how your futile resistance. But, nobody listen… now you have to eat our country-style fried chicken. 😉

    Resistance is Futile, We are Pollo Campero Borg

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